Texts From Last Night · knucklehead8018's Favorites

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knucklehead8018's Favorites Texts:

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(347): View more from New York

Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.

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(360): View more from Washington

I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.

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(407): View more from Florida

I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.

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(773): View more from Illinois

there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.

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(616): View more from Michigan

so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy

(313): View more from Michigan

Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle

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(302): View more from Delaware

apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.

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(613): View more from Ontario

I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?

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(209): View more from California

i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious

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(778): View more from British Columbia

I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...

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(248): View more from Michigan

Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?

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(971): View more from Oregon

this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed

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(815): View more from Illinois

I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.

(604): View more from British Columbia

And then someone hit me with a pool cue

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(720): View more from Colorado

Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.

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(214): View more from Texas

A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.

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(440): View more from Ohio

The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"

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(443): View more from Maryland

I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart

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(712): View more from Iowa

I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell

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(201): View more from New Jersey

If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.

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(817): View more from Texas

I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.

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(618): View more from Illinois

There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.

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(714): View more from California

I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time

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(971): View more from Oregon

no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"

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(720): View more from Colorado

Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.

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(806): View more from Texas

I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY

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(515): View more from Iowa

I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.

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(515): View more from Iowa

I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out

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(747): View more from California

That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!

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(805): View more from California

Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.

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(714): View more from California

Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.

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(647): View more from Ontario

Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.

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(972): View more from Texas

Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I guess, just don't make it awkward

(603): View more from New Hampshire

MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY

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(775): View more from Nevada

If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.

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(757): View more from Virginia

So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.

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(954): View more from Florida

He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.

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(513): View more from Ohio

both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage

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(586): View more from Michigan

I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.

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(434): View more from Virginia

Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...

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(614): View more from Ohio

Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....

(614): View more from Ohio

We've got ourselves a situation

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.

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(214): View more from Texas

Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.

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(850): View more from Florida

Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.

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(518): View more from New York

I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights

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(310): View more from California

She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.

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(248): View more from Michigan

No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.

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(+27): View more from South Africa

I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.

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(240): View more from Maryland

YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.

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(863): View more from Florida

We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.

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(702): View more from Nevada

What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs

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(219): View more from Indiana

surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on

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(586): View more from Michigan

I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now

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(701): View more from North Dakota

It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm

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(248): View more from Michigan

Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.

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(841): View more from

That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house

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(734): View more from Michigan

What do you wear to apply at a strip club?

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(518): View more from New York

Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.

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(519): View more from Ontario

What color are my eyes?

(1-519): View more from Ontario

Ummmm... 34 C?

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(239): View more from Florida

You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.

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(206): View more from Washington

We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?

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(815): View more from Illinois

If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.

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(408): View more from California

she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again

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(718): View more from New York

We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.

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(775): View more from Nevada

I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...

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(636): View more from Missouri

she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"

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(217): View more from Illinois

Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...

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(815): View more from Illinois

New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.

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(708): View more from Illinois

If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now

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(253): View more from Washington

The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.

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(636): View more from Missouri

Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.

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(469): View more from Texas

Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.

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(314): View more from Missouri

he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"

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(440): View more from Ohio

I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman

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(870): View more from Arkansas

I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.

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(330): View more from Ohio

would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.

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(850): View more from Florida

how was your day?

(404): View more from Georgia

fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg

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(337): View more from Louisiana

thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts

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(917): View more from New York City

Um, that's called prostitution

(773): View more from Illinois

Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money

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(585): View more from New York

I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care

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(925): View more from California

so explain again why im purple

(617): View more from Massachusetts

no

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(513): View more from Ohio

Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?

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(972): View more from Texas

Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.

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(360): View more from Washington

Im 95% ready to shit behind 711

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(310): View more from California

i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl

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(303): View more from Colorado

Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic

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(225): View more from Louisiana

Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.

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(513): View more from Ohio

i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky

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(203): View more from Connecticut

You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses

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(443): View more from Maryland

I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.

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(407): View more from Florida

I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.

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(817): View more from Texas

just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child

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(678): View more from Georgia

I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?

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(972): View more from Texas

They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.

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(248): View more from Michigan

What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.

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(703): View more from Virginia

There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I am full of burrito and curiosity

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(518): View more from New York

Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant

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(303): View more from Colorado

oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out

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(703): View more from Virginia

Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog

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(847): View more from Illinois

I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...

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(555): View more from

After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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(219): View more from Indiana

Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.

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knucklehead8018's Favorites Texts:

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