Texts From Last Night · kenziebby33's Favorites

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kenziebby33's Favorites Texts:

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out

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(224): View more from Illinois

Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.

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(619): View more from California

I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?

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(585): View more from New York

A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment

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(512): View more from Texas

Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.

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(315): View more from New York

I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores

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(319): View more from Iowa

WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER

(1-319): View more from Iowa

THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.

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(440): View more from Ohio

OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT

(440): View more from Ohio

COME TO THE BLANKET FORT

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(252): View more from North Carolina

See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket

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(613): View more from Ontario

How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.

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(951): View more from California

Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..

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(816): View more from Missouri

We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?

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(512): View more from Texas

Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?

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(318): View more from Louisiana

That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.

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(561): View more from Florida

Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed

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(314): View more from Missouri

handjob tips. give me some.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.

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(516): View more from New York

my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now

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(912): View more from Georgia

She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.

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(586): View more from Michigan

he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...

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(406): View more from Montana

130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night

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(845): View more from New York

if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?

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(410): View more from Maryland

forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.

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(718): View more from New York

ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE

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(760): View more from California

I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass

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(217): View more from Illinois

3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.

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(786): View more from Florida

It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...

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(907): View more from Alaska

On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D

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(302): View more from Delaware

Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs

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(765): View more from Indiana

At least we don't have one night stands

(1-765): View more from Indiana

True that. We sink our claws in our men.

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(818): View more from California

Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.

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(207): View more from Maine

no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.

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(631): View more from New York

woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one

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(816): View more from Missouri

So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Yeeah thank god

(816): View more from Missouri

Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.

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(754): View more from Florida

I feel like the other woman.

(954): View more from Florida

You ARE the other woman.

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(310): View more from California

Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?

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(207): View more from Maine

it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.

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(214): View more from Texas

Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.

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(916): View more from California

We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench

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(554): View more from

No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted

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(713): View more from Texas

I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie

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(214): View more from Texas

The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Why is there bacon braided in my hair

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.

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(541): View more from Oregon

for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college

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(302): View more from Delaware

there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY

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(207): View more from Maine

DRUNK CANOEING

(804): View more from Virginia

Please text me if you survive.

(207): View more from Maine

LAND HO BITCH

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(770): View more from Georgia

he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.

(352): View more from Florida

teach me your ways.

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(925): View more from California

it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.

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(303): View more from Colorado

high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.

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(416): View more from Ontario

No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her

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(818): View more from California

I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire

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(217): View more from Illinois

I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...

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(732): View more from New Jersey

four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.

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(757): View more from Virginia

my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...

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(773): View more from Illinois

They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck

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(773): View more from Illinois

I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.

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(817): View more from Texas

You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up

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(770): View more from Georgia

He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.

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(+31): View more from The Netherlands

Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.

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(406): View more from Montana

He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous

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(850): View more from Florida

If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty

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(816): View more from Missouri

if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.

(1-724): View more from Pennsylvania

You need to find a taint.

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(954): View more from Florida

woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?

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(618): View more from Illinois

Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.

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(317): View more from Indiana

i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex

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(250): View more from British Columbia

note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I wanna come home

(1-270): View more from Kentucky

And do what?

(270): View more from Kentucky

Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.

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(813): View more from Florida

Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.

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(314): View more from Missouri

so how does one go about finding a summer fling?

(214): View more from Texas

take advantage of an intern

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(845): View more from New York

Did you bedazzle the elevator?

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(360): View more from Washington

You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile

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(941): View more from Florida

sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate

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(512): View more from Texas

I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.

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(309): View more from Illinois

$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.

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(417): View more from Missouri

I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.

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(352): View more from Florida

Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?

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(513): View more from Ohio

i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever

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(517): View more from Michigan

and trust me i need no booty pop lessons

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(585): View more from New York

My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.

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(314): View more from Missouri

There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.

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(630): View more from Illinois

she could've warned me his penis was curved

(708): View more from Illinois

ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.

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(206): View more from Washington

My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.

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(613): View more from Ontario

New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.

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(323): View more from California

I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.

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(703): View more from Virginia

BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.

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(616): View more from Michigan

who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss

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(432): View more from Texas

His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.

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(847): View more from Illinois

There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"

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(815): View more from Illinois

Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.

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(705): View more from Ontario

And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab

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(619): View more from California

Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.

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(517): View more from Michigan

Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....

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(434): View more from Virginia

i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.

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(807): View more from Ontario

her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me

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(650): View more from California

OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.

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(845): View more from New York

my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave

(617): View more from Massachusetts

dude are you serious?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

I know you already have a pic on your phone

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(907): View more from Alaska

My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!

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(234): View more from Ohio

No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.

(387): View more from

I don't know what to judge you more for.

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(305): View more from Florida

does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?

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(314): View more from Missouri

So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.

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(314): View more from Missouri

What happened to the watermelon?

(1-314): View more from Missouri

You fucked it.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was

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(773): View more from Illinois

You're such a slut.

(318): View more from Louisiana

I prefer opportunist.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.

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(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.

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(239): View more from Florida

Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does

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(662): View more from Mississippi

He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?

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(917): View more from New York City

under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift

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(561): View more from Florida

The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.

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(214): View more from Texas

Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.

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(509): View more from Washington

She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after

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(513): View more from Ohio

why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position

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(850): View more from Florida

Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.

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(801): View more from Utah

Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.

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(850): View more from Florida

Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?

(850): View more from Florida

I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife

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(804): View more from Virginia

So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...

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(519): View more from Ontario

He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.

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(740): View more from Ohio

he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life

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(513): View more from Ohio

I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars

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(647): View more from Ontario

Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?

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(631): View more from New York

Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon

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(303): View more from Colorado

It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking

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(+61): View more from Australia

You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.

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(616): View more from Michigan

he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing

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(707): View more from California

I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend

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(504): View more from Louisiana

All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.

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(207): View more from Maine

i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.

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(207): View more from Maine

He violated my cat. I was not impressed.

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(207): View more from Maine

Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.

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(207): View more from Maine

We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.

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(407): View more from Florida

Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".

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(408): View more from California

How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?

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(949): View more from California

It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.

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(352): View more from Florida

The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.

(1-352): View more from Florida

Oh God. You're going to jail

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(785): View more from Kansas

So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?

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(937): View more from Ohio

I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...

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(571): View more from Virginia

I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.

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(928): View more from Arizona

Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.

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(816): View more from Missouri

All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother

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(928): View more from Arizona

We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in

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(734): View more from Michigan

similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls

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(585): View more from New York

Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.

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(443): View more from Maryland

you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up

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(425): View more from Washington

Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me

(1-425): View more from Washington

Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.

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(315): View more from New York

Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place

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(770): View more from Georgia

I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.

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(310): View more from California

Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.

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(425): View more from Washington

I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.

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(850): View more from Florida

I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer

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(520): View more from Arizona

remember, YOU ARE A WINNER

(410): View more from Maryland

my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.

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(210): View more from Texas

I just want to hang out with her.

(916): View more from California

You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.

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(703): View more from Virginia

fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.

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(773): View more from Illinois

you want me

(978): View more from Massachusetts

i'd rather choke on a dick.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine

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(+61): View more from Australia

We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere

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(330): View more from Ohio

She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.

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(513): View more from Ohio

well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.

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(858): View more from California

This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?

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(847): View more from Illinois

as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me

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(219): View more from Indiana

she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.

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(619): View more from California

Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.

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(425): View more from Washington

Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.

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(303): View more from Colorado

We took shots in honor of Shark Week.

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(210): View more from Texas

I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!

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(952): View more from Minnesota

I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.

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(904): View more from Florida

There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?

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(630): View more from Illinois

I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me

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(314): View more from Missouri

What did you even date her?

(214): View more from Texas

because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.

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(303): View more from Colorado

.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate

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(208): View more from Idaho

U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"

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(732): View more from New Jersey

wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.

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(731): View more from Tennessee

He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....

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(731): View more from Tennessee

I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.

(601): View more from Mississippi

Talk to you next week

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(731): View more from Tennessee

who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.

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(616): View more from Michigan

they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now

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(651): View more from Minnesota

i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college

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(904): View more from Florida

Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?

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(641): View more from Iowa

I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.

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(313): View more from Michigan

In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.

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(207): View more from Maine

Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway

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(510): View more from California

I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week

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(802): View more from Vermont

Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade

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(281): View more from Texas

She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out

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(314): View more from Missouri

Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.

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(626): View more from California

There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.

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(703): View more from Virginia

So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.

(1-703): View more from Virginia

You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!

(508): View more from Massachusetts

because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.

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(517): View more from Michigan

i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.

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(951): View more from California

So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.

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(813): View more from Florida

I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions

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(843): View more from South Carolina

throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected

(1-843): View more from South Carolina

since when the fuck is that glamorous?

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(707): View more from California

We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.

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(207): View more from Maine

The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.

(207): View more from Maine

welcome to maine.

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(207): View more from Maine

She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.

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(850): View more from Florida

come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.

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(713): View more from Texas

Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?

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(703): View more from Virginia

I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.

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(347): View more from New York

So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok

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(703): View more from Virginia

I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.

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(616): View more from Michigan

We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.

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(206): View more from Washington

And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music

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(406): View more from Montana

i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.

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(207): View more from Maine

you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom

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(207): View more from Maine

A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."

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(801): View more from Utah

Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?

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(407): View more from Florida

official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell

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(516): View more from New York

I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.

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(770): View more from Georgia

who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!

(404): View more from Georgia

you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.

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(574): View more from Indiana

I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.

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(734): View more from Michigan

How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?

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(312): View more from Illinois

Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.

(773): View more from Illinois

You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal

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(904): View more from Florida

I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college

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(773): View more from Illinois

I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.

(1-773): View more from Illinois

Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.

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(214): View more from Texas

She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.

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(989): View more from Michigan

Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.

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(616): View more from Michigan

Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house

(1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

no. you cant fuck a burger.

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(714): View more from California

Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww

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(206): View more from Washington

do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"

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(810): View more from Michigan

we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.

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(703): View more from Virginia

He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.

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(770): View more from Georgia

FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot

(770): View more from Georgia

Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon

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(301): View more from Maryland

he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.

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(906): View more from Michigan

didnt we say no more talking to eachother

(906): View more from Michigan

it will help you get over me i promise

(414): View more from Wisconsin

im horny

(906): View more from Michigan

ok i will unlock the door

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(631): View more from New York

Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be

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(714): View more from California

im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF

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(631): View more from New York

I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.

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(813): View more from Florida

Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.

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(269): View more from Michigan

You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan

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(208): View more from Idaho

She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"

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(917): View more from New York City

Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.

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(210): View more from Texas

i had confetti in my bra

(1-210): View more from Texas

i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me

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(804): View more from Virginia

If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids

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(646): View more from New York

You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.

(336): View more from North Carolina

This is god's gift to the unemployed.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

school has made you so classy.

(514): View more from Quebec

that's mcgill. producing sluts since 1884.

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(303): View more from Colorado

friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no

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(903): View more from Texas

If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.

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(254): View more from Texas

Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.

(254): View more from Texas

Tornado warnings are fun!

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(847): View more from Illinois

Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?

(312): View more from Illinois

I get to be your mom.

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(971): View more from Oregon

:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"

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(804): View more from Virginia

finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"

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(916): View more from California

I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.

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(909): View more from California

You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie

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(770): View more from Georgia

I just barfed on his mom.

(404): View more from Georgia

You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.

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(815): View more from Illinois

This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.

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(207): View more from Maine

so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety

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(443): View more from Maryland

THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.

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(347): View more from New York

the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant

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(406): View more from Montana

You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend

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(801): View more from Utah

He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.

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(314): View more from Missouri

we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".

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(856): View more from New Jersey

you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb

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(702): View more from Nevada

I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.

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(207): View more from Maine

He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.

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(315): View more from New York

mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.

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(575): View more from New Mexico

not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.

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(510): View more from California

Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.

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(443): View more from Maryland

do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.

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(319): View more from Iowa

you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met

(1-319): View more from Iowa

thanks it was an honor just to be nominated

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

oh my god i'm in a crawl space

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(516): View more from New York

Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.

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(424): View more from California

You hurt me so bad and it feels so good

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny

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(330): View more from Ohio

I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter

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(314): View more from Missouri

The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.

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(817): View more from Texas

One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?

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(301): View more from Maryland

My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.

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(207): View more from Maine

just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.

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(434): View more from Virginia

why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?

(540): View more from Virginia

you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.

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(775): View more from Nevada

He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.

(856): View more from New Jersey

Restraining orders are what college is about.

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(913): View more from Kansas

sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.

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(567): View more from Ohio

we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.

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(954): View more from Florida

Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.

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(281): View more from Texas

Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him

(1-281): View more from Texas

college has opened so many doors for you

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(248): View more from Michigan

We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.

(440): View more from Ohio

I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.

(248): View more from Michigan

Playoffs. This shit is serious.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high

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(415): View more from California

He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.

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