Texts From Last Night · itznarco's Favorites

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itznarco's Favorites Texts:

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(731): View more from Tennessee

What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?

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(425): View more from Washington

the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition

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(716): View more from New York

I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?

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(706): View more from Georgia

we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.

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(217): View more from Illinois

I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety

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(630): View more from Illinois

she could've warned me his penis was curved

(708): View more from Illinois

ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.

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(650): View more from California

dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week

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(940): View more from Texas

You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.

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(916): View more from California

I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.

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(618): View more from Illinois

I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.

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(713): View more from Texas

Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.

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(478): View more from Georgia

Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.

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(443): View more from Maryland

THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.

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(323): View more from California

Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me

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(740): View more from Ohio

I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name

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(513): View more from Ohio

Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.

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(210): View more from Texas

He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now

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(310): View more from California

Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"

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(847): View more from Illinois

as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me

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(925): View more from California

you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?

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(804): View more from Virginia

we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.

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(785): View more from Kansas

I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.

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(630): View more from Illinois

He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.

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(301): View more from Maryland

we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?

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(212): View more from New York

1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?

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(956): View more from Texas

found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system

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(985): View more from Louisiana

Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny

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(256): View more from Alabama

Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP

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(409): View more from Texas

Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.

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(253): View more from Washington

No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions

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(928): View more from Arizona

note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.

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(630): View more from Illinois

But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them

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(720): View more from Colorado

It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.

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(916): View more from California

You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?

(828): View more from North Carolina

Is it working?

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(775): View more from Nevada

I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.

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(831): View more from California

So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.

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(705): View more from Ontario

i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away

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(650): View more from California

Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?

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(905): View more from Ontario

Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.

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(303): View more from Colorado

But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.

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(512): View more from Texas

Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.

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(253): View more from Washington

The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid

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(315): View more from New York

I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.

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(406): View more from Montana

Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night

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(480): View more from Arizona

From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.

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(406): View more from Montana

I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense

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(817): View more from Texas

Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't

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(573): View more from Missouri

Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

i want to fuck

(320): View more from Minnesota

?

(701): View more from North Dakota

it's pretty self explanatory

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(510): View more from California

You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying

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(850): View more from Florida

this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen

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(360): View more from Washington

We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.

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(251): View more from Alabama

Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?

(1-251): View more from Alabama

Why are you in my underwear drawer?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup

(1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

ill bring the camera dont start without me

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(714): View more from California

I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?

(949): View more from California

I gave it to your brother to give to you.

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(516): View more from New York

I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume

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(734): View more from Michigan

Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?

(1-734): View more from Michigan

How did the beer even get there in the first place?

(734): View more from Michigan

That's not what's important right now

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(303): View more from Colorado

You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do

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(214): View more from Texas

Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.

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(314): View more from Missouri

eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth

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(786): View more from Florida

If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.

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(516): View more from New York

why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?

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(207): View more from Maine

Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.

(603): View more from New Hampshire

OMG THAT WAS YOU?!

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(541): View more from Oregon

So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

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(651): View more from Minnesota

The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion

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(240): View more from Maryland

taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate

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(515): View more from Iowa

I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time

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(303): View more from Colorado

If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take

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(860): View more from Connecticut

She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...

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(813): View more from Florida

I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?

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(951): View more from California

ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am

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(406): View more from Montana

It was just a squirrel

(253): View more from Washington

You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?

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(804): View more from Virginia

Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"

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(720): View more from Colorado

I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I drank myself into bisexuality again.

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(408): View more from California

You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool

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(217): View more from Illinois

he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids

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(314): View more from Missouri

He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.

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(830): View more from Texas

He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.

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(404): View more from Georgia

All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

it was like getting a handjob from robocop

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(720): View more from Colorado

I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match

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itznarco's Favorites Texts:

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