Texts From Last Night · iheartjackyd's Favorites

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(816): View more from Missouri

I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots

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(214): View more from Texas

in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now

(469): View more from Texas

Pride?

(214): View more from Texas

thats a pack of cougars

(469): View more from Texas

go fuck yourself

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(469): View more from Texas

you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator

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(334): View more from Alabama

all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days

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(928): View more from Arizona

I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.

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(207): View more from Maine

There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.

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(315): View more from New York

Hello wreck, this is your train calling.

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

Guess she heard her killer coming

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(225): View more from Louisiana

I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.

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(727): View more from Florida

Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was

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(443): View more from Maryland

booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again

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(330): View more from Ohio

You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.

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(858): View more from California

She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.

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(217): View more from Illinois

So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america

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(850): View more from Florida

Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.

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(386): View more from Florida

it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick

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(315): View more from New York

My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.

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(415): View more from California

He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer

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(419): View more from Ohio

The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.

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(845): View more from New York

alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.

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(941): View more from Florida

Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I just saw the nastiest chick.

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

Where?

(603): View more from New Hampshire

woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write

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(315): View more from New York

We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."

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(913): View more from Kansas

Let's make jello shots for tomorrow

(1-913): View more from Kansas

What's going on tomorrow?

(913): View more from Kansas

Nothing, it's Wednesday

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(301): View more from Maryland

Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

that girl last night was a 15

(1-413): View more from Massachusetts

wait she was 15?

(413): View more from Massachusetts

no like black jack not sure if you should hit it

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".

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(919): View more from North Carolina

What are we going to do tonight?

(704): View more from North Carolina

What we try to do every night. Take over the world

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(512): View more from Texas

She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."

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(314): View more from Missouri

I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I hate having morals and standards the next morning.

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(240): View more from Maryland

We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.

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(208): View more from Idaho

I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table

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(225): View more from Louisiana

Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....

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(518): View more from New York

i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock

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(518): View more from New York

in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility

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(985): View more from Louisiana

Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.

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(757): View more from Virginia

It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"

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(914): View more from New York

does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.

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(562): View more from California

bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.

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(419): View more from Ohio

More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.

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(310): View more from California

I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.

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(740): View more from Ohio

Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song

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(805): View more from California

Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"

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(917): View more from New York City

last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks

(917): View more from New York City

this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed

(917): View more from New York City

he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?

(718): View more from New York

messed up. what color are the wings?

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.

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(616): View more from Michigan

You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.

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(705): View more from Ontario

All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?

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(847): View more from Illinois

I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover

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(913): View more from Kansas

id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"

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(313): View more from Michigan

I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.

(734): View more from Michigan

What'd you do?

(313): View more from Michigan

Its more like what im about to do.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed

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(973): View more from New Jersey

how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!

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(802): View more from Vermont

OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.

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(913): View more from Kansas

we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar

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(315): View more from New York

So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life

(541): View more from Oregon

Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard

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(858): View more from California

we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.

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(817): View more from Texas

I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?

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(281): View more from Texas

The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.

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(425): View more from Washington

Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.

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(480): View more from Arizona

How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?

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(713): View more from Texas

Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight

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(479): View more from Arkansas

there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express

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(415): View more from California

I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?

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(847): View more from Illinois

i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink

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(917): View more from New York City

so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style

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(124): View more from

Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

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(313): View more from Michigan

awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

super hot butfun

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.

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(904): View more from Florida

i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?

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(847): View more from Illinois

you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé

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(760): View more from California

so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.

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(216): View more from Ohio

I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.

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(214): View more from Texas

New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables

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(678): View more from Georgia

Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.

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(281): View more from Texas

Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

i live my life in a constant state of hangover.

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(513): View more from Ohio

theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.

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(503): View more from Oregon

gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb

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(609): View more from New Jersey

We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far

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(817): View more from Texas

I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.

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(971): View more from Oregon

I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.

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(909): View more from California

According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.

(478): View more from Georgia

Moment of silence for the loss of that option.

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(480): View more from Arizona

i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone

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(434): View more from Virginia

Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.

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(303): View more from Colorado

we're about an hour out, how's the weather?

(720): View more from Colorado

cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night

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(619): View more from California

i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die

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(954): View more from Florida

it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.

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(269): View more from Michigan

I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals

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(404): View more from Georgia

Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.

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(214): View more from Texas

Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem

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(206): View more from Washington

My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow

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(858): View more from California

So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like

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(860): View more from Connecticut

You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.

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(716): View more from New York

i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts

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(312): View more from Illinois

Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday

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(440): View more from Ohio

Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.

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(858): View more from California

my life trainwreck boards at 9:30

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(949): View more from California

is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??

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(973): View more from New Jersey

there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking

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(818): View more from California

well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning

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(817): View more from Texas

I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.

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(585): View more from New York

its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck

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(773): View more from Illinois

Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.

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(410): View more from Maryland

There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.

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(248): View more from Michigan

He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?

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(320): View more from Minnesota

If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?

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(571): View more from Virginia

final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."

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(561): View more from Florida

Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.

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(607): View more from New York

We can grow old together and our livers can fail together

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(269): View more from Michigan

I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..

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(516): View more from New York

I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?

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(913): View more from Kansas

I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.

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(917): View more from New York City

My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.

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(209): View more from California

is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before

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(985): View more from Louisiana

If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.

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