K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
