take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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