dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Randomize
