I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
