I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
