At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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