I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
