Where is the hickey?
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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