I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
