You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
