i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
