I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
