You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
she looked like the before picture.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
