im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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