All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
