you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
