Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
