Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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