thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
