Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
