didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I just want nice things and good sex
3 2 1 whiskey
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
