Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
