he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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