i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
