I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Randomize
