Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Text me some of your sweat
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
