I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I got inside last night via doggy door
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Randomize
