You don't have asthma, your pregnant
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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