He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I need a burrito and a hug.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
