He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
And then he peed in my hair
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