I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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