Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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