i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
