Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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