call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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