Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
