I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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