No awkward lesbian experiences without me
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
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