Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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