I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Randomize
