walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
