He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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