she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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