Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
