Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
