Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I had to cum in my sink.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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