Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
