Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
